Less than a MONTH!!

So there is officially less than a month and Ryan and I will be married. Everyone keeps asking if I am nervous or stressed out, and I am not. I don't think people believe me when I say this. But i honestly don't feel stressed out. I think after going through Nursing School I am able to handle more stress without it getting to me like it use to.

I have almost everything done. I just have little things to do. I guess the only major thing I need to do is finish up with the photographer. But other than that everything is decided. I have the gift boxes done (although I might have to redo some, the glue did not work on all of them) I have a few more invitations to hand deliver (will be done at church). Michelle almost has the bubbles done. I guess the only big thing I need to do are the programs. I am trying to decide if I really want to have one. Basically because I don't want to make one. So that is what i need to figure out. I am staying up to date on my thank yous for the most part. People are RSVPing. So for the most part everything is getting done. O and my boss gave me off starting on Tuesday before the wedding :) she said I needed it.

I am working on 6East again. I am working as a nurse aid. I enjoy it. A lady yesterday said I must hate my job while I was helping her to the bathroom. I said "NO, NO I truly enjoy working here." After I left her room I was thinking to myself why would she say that, and then it hit me. Yes I was helping her to the bathroom, yes most people would not think that would be something they would want to do. But I see it as they just encountered the most joyous thing in life. Having a baby, and I am the one that helps them recover from the delivery and be able to care for their new little one. So to me its an enjoyable job. The look on the moms face when you ask about their new little one, is so great and I get to look at that everyday I go to work. Granted I don't want to get out of bed at 5 in the morning but once I get there I remember why I wanted to work there. :) So YES I do enjoy my job and NO I do not hate it.

I forgot to mention we got our honeymoon package in the other day!!! We were so excited. I enjoyed thinking about what we would be doing when we got there!

One bad thing that happened to me last night. I had my first wedding nightmare. I didn't think I was going to have one. But in the dream we were having a wedding outside by a lake, I think, and EVERYTHING was wet from the rain. So I just started raining. Everyone worked hard to fix it and then I was about to walk down the aisle and EVERYTHING was wet again. I started crying again. But then Ryan walked down the aisle and carried me to the alter. Then I woke up..
Could this be a result of all the rain we have had lately?? But we are not having our wedding outside, so I don't know what this means.....

So today consisted of studying ALL day long. I got to the school at 10am and left at 5 something. Honestly I have no idea how I am able to study for such a long period of time. It is probably because of the people I was studying with. We all desperately want to pass our test tomorrow. I am trying really hard not to become anxious about the test. I think that is the problem, I get too nervous and I am not able to think properly.

Reasons I really want to pass this test:
1. To prove to myself I can do it
2. So I do not have to take the test again
3. To shove it in my instructors face (who said I wouldn't pass)
4. So I do not have to take Leadership over again next semester b/c of this stupid test.
5. Because I have prepared so much for this test and I want to do well

On a happy note, my cousin is graduating tomorrow! I am excited for her. (even though I wish i was graduating at the same time).

Ryan got me a massage for my birthday and if I pass my test tomorrow I will be cashing in on that massage on Friday if they have any openings. :) fingers crossed.

I start working in the hospital in two weeks. I am ready to have money again, even though I am not super excited about working. I dont mind it. I do like my job, seeing all the cute babies and the excited families about the new delivery. :)

I am glad its finally sunny outside!!!! It makes me feel better...

So the semester is coming to an end and it's a little bitter sweet for me. Technically I should be graduating in a few weeks but I am not. I am really trying to be ok with not graduating and I try to put on a strong face for all of my classmates but deep down it is hard for me. I know this had to have happened for some reason and I just don't see it right now, but I am hoping I will see the reasoning for this sometime soon.

So since I am not graduating this summer I have to find work for the summer. I am working part time at St. John, which is where I have been working off and on since last summer. I also have an interview for Leon's. It's a restaurant on Brookside but they are opening a branch off Skiatook Lake. I am nervous b/c I have never worked in a restaurant, but i think I will be ok. I am just hoping it will pay well, basically that is why I am even taking the job. I hope I will make good tips so I can take some time off when school starts again in August.

Ryan is taking me out for my birthday tonight. I am excited b/c we haven't been out on a date in awhile. I have been so busy with school we haven't had time. I can't wait til I am done with school and I don't have to worry about studying and writing papers.

The wedding plans are coming along. I never realized how expensive they are until the other day when I really looked at what I was expecting to pay for everything.

I am so thankful for everyone in my life that has been so supportive in my life. It really hit me this past weekend when I had our first wedding shower. I was amazed by how many gifts people brought to just give Ryan and I. Every time I look at them all piled up in the apartment I just think about how blessed we are. :)

Well as you can see my thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry you have to see that on here, but that's how I feel right now.

Ryan and I cooked our first dinner together last night and it was delicious.

Ryan with the towel over his shoulder like a pro...

We cooked General Tsoa's Chicken.
Ryan was so hungry he couldn't wait til it was completely cooked. Gross I know...
It was so easy and REALLY good. We will be making it again. Probably soon.

So it's been a really shitty week. I have been on an emotional RollercoAster this week and I am ready to get off and move on with my life. I am trying really hard to be with ok with having retake the class and not being able to graduate in May. But I think I am in a little bit of denial about the whole situation. I know all of this is happening for a reason but honestly I don't see the reasoning right now. I wish I did because maybe I would feel better right now. I also really wish there was something someone could say that would make me feel better but, I find that everyone has really great advice and have shared their stories about a similiar situation, but really it doesnt make me feel better at all.

So I was watching Grey's Anatomy tonight and it was a bitter sweet episode and at the end there was a great quote that I thought applied to my life at the moment:

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can STEP UP."


I am embarressed to tell people I failed a final, have to retake the class, and can't graduate in May.

So I don't think anyone reads this but I thought I would post something.

So about that test i just took last week, well I failed it. I mean really failed it. I have never gotten such a bad grade in my life. I would have been ok with that grade if I had not studied or came out of the test knowing I did so horribly, but I did either. I studied my ass off and actually felt ok when I was done. So anyway we had to wait a few days after the test to get our grades. When I finally got my grade I just started freaking out and crying all at the same time. I quickly tried to figure what I would have to get on the final to pass the class and the grade I came up with was a 95% and I was like there is no way, and all these horrible thoughts came pouring out; I am going to have to drop the class, I am not going to graduate in May (how embarrassing), and on and on. I waited to Call Ryan until he got off work, because i know I would start crying hysterically and he would want to rush right over to comfort me. So he came over and was so cute, he had never seen me cry before and I think he honestly didn't know what to do, but I knew he was trying and he did comfort me.

So after crying all night long basically, I talked to my instructor the next day she said she couldn't tell me if i had to drop but she could tell me what I need to make on my final to pass the class. She told me I had to make an 85% and that scares me but I am pretty sure it is doable. So I have tried to study over break but it is honestly very difficult. There are a million other things I can find to do. But starting tomorrow I cant distract myself at all. I will be in full study mode until Tuesday after the test. My final is at 2:00 on Tuesday so if anyone is reading this and remembers at that time please say a prayer for me because I really want to pass this test, so i can pass the class, and graduate in may. This test is what is between me and graduation.

Anyway on a lighter note, Ryan moved into an apartment. It is very nice. I am trying hard not to take over and decorate like a maniac but i don't think its working very well. But I AM trying.

Ok that is all for now. :)

It's been a busy week. I feel like all I do is study and then I dont see it in my grades. Its just frustrating and I cant wait for school to get over, I am so so sick of it all. I cant wait til spring break, even though most of it will be doing stuff for school and the wedding. It's probably best that i didnt have any plans for spring break so i can have time to do all of this stuff.

On a different note I went to my cousins soccer game last weekend. It was so cute, at the beginning they were more concerned about taking pictures than playing soccer. But once the game started they were all on the ground more than they were playing ball. It was almost like they were playing tackle football. :) here are a couple of pictures so you can see how cute he is :)