So the semester is coming to an end and it's a little bitter sweet for me. Technically I should be graduating in a few weeks but I am not. I am really trying to be ok with not graduating and I try to put on a strong face for all of my classmates but deep down it is hard for me. I know this had to have happened for some reason and I just don't see it right now, but I am hoping I will see the reasoning for this sometime soon.

So since I am not graduating this summer I have to find work for the summer. I am working part time at St. John, which is where I have been working off and on since last summer. I also have an interview for Leon's. It's a restaurant on Brookside but they are opening a branch off Skiatook Lake. I am nervous b/c I have never worked in a restaurant, but i think I will be ok. I am just hoping it will pay well, basically that is why I am even taking the job. I hope I will make good tips so I can take some time off when school starts again in August.

Ryan is taking me out for my birthday tonight. I am excited b/c we haven't been out on a date in awhile. I have been so busy with school we haven't had time. I can't wait til I am done with school and I don't have to worry about studying and writing papers.

The wedding plans are coming along. I never realized how expensive they are until the other day when I really looked at what I was expecting to pay for everything.

I am so thankful for everyone in my life that has been so supportive in my life. It really hit me this past weekend when I had our first wedding shower. I was amazed by how many gifts people brought to just give Ryan and I. Every time I look at them all piled up in the apartment I just think about how blessed we are. :)

Well as you can see my thoughts are all over the place. I am sorry you have to see that on here, but that's how I feel right now.

Ryan and I cooked our first dinner together last night and it was delicious.

Ryan with the towel over his shoulder like a pro...

We cooked General Tsoa's Chicken.
Ryan was so hungry he couldn't wait til it was completely cooked. Gross I know...
It was so easy and REALLY good. We will be making it again. Probably soon.

So it's been a really shitty week. I have been on an emotional RollercoAster this week and I am ready to get off and move on with my life. I am trying really hard to be with ok with having retake the class and not being able to graduate in May. But I think I am in a little bit of denial about the whole situation. I know all of this is happening for a reason but honestly I don't see the reasoning right now. I wish I did because maybe I would feel better right now. I also really wish there was something someone could say that would make me feel better but, I find that everyone has really great advice and have shared their stories about a similiar situation, but really it doesnt make me feel better at all.

So I was watching Grey's Anatomy tonight and it was a bitter sweet episode and at the end there was a great quote that I thought applied to my life at the moment:

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can STEP UP."


I am embarressed to tell people I failed a final, have to retake the class, and can't graduate in May.

So I don't think anyone reads this but I thought I would post something.

So about that test i just took last week, well I failed it. I mean really failed it. I have never gotten such a bad grade in my life. I would have been ok with that grade if I had not studied or came out of the test knowing I did so horribly, but I did either. I studied my ass off and actually felt ok when I was done. So anyway we had to wait a few days after the test to get our grades. When I finally got my grade I just started freaking out and crying all at the same time. I quickly tried to figure what I would have to get on the final to pass the class and the grade I came up with was a 95% and I was like there is no way, and all these horrible thoughts came pouring out; I am going to have to drop the class, I am not going to graduate in May (how embarrassing), and on and on. I waited to Call Ryan until he got off work, because i know I would start crying hysterically and he would want to rush right over to comfort me. So he came over and was so cute, he had never seen me cry before and I think he honestly didn't know what to do, but I knew he was trying and he did comfort me.

So after crying all night long basically, I talked to my instructor the next day she said she couldn't tell me if i had to drop but she could tell me what I need to make on my final to pass the class. She told me I had to make an 85% and that scares me but I am pretty sure it is doable. So I have tried to study over break but it is honestly very difficult. There are a million other things I can find to do. But starting tomorrow I cant distract myself at all. I will be in full study mode until Tuesday after the test. My final is at 2:00 on Tuesday so if anyone is reading this and remembers at that time please say a prayer for me because I really want to pass this test, so i can pass the class, and graduate in may. This test is what is between me and graduation.

Anyway on a lighter note, Ryan moved into an apartment. It is very nice. I am trying hard not to take over and decorate like a maniac but i don't think its working very well. But I AM trying.

Ok that is all for now. :)

It's been a busy week. I feel like all I do is study and then I dont see it in my grades. Its just frustrating and I cant wait for school to get over, I am so so sick of it all. I cant wait til spring break, even though most of it will be doing stuff for school and the wedding. It's probably best that i didnt have any plans for spring break so i can have time to do all of this stuff.

On a different note I went to my cousins soccer game last weekend. It was so cute, at the beginning they were more concerned about taking pictures than playing soccer. But once the game started they were all on the ground more than they were playing ball. It was almost like they were playing tackle football. :) here are a couple of pictures so you can see how cute he is :)

So its been awhile. Today I went and turned in our application for an apartment and paid the deposit. We are planning on moving into the Villas on March 15. So hopefully everything will work out. Ryan and Chris are going to move into the two-bedroom apartment until Ryan and I get married and then I will move in and Chris will move out.

So we went over to ryan's house last night and his parents were like "Go look in the guest bedroom" so we go in there and there is a flat screen television in there. They bought it for us just because. I was so surprised and Ryan was so excited b/c he has been looking at them at wal-mart. After talking about it for awhile, ryan decides he wants to take it back and put a little extra $$ into it and get a little bit bigger tv. When we got to wal-mart he was like a little kid in a candy shop. We finally picked one took it back to his house. I am afriad its too big for our little apartment but i guess we will just have to see. :)

School is going ok. I have two tests next week and a final care plan. Not very excited about all that but after next week only one more week and SPRING BREAK!!!! I have lots of things planned for spring break and that also means the semester is half way over.

So Sunday I went to Panera to study b/c I just can not study at my house. While I was there (mind you I was there from about 1 until 8pm) I saw a wide variety of people. When I showed up there was a man with a laminated sign that said some to the affect of my family needs help anything. will work. I honestly have never seen such a sign laminated before and I am pretty sure I saw a totally different man holding that sign out in the parking lot a few days earlier. but anyway he was talking to this poor boy for a good hour about this and that and how no one in this area is willing to give to the less fortunate.

A little while later a couple who is receiving pre-martial counseling comes and sits right next to me and I get to listen to that for a good hour. I tried hard not to but there wasn't really anyone else in the place and they sat RIGHT next to my table.

And then there is another man who has been camped out there all day long who has the headphones on with the microphone who looks like a gamer. He was there ALL DAY long playing i have no idea what, i can only assume War of warcraft or something. I didnt know these people went out in public to play this games but I guess they are everywhere.

Then later there is a cute little girl in her tap shoes decides she wants to tap dance on panera's tile floor. luckily she was cute or i think i would have been rather annoyed by the dancing.

After leaving Panera (because they closed) I went to IHOP to meet some people to study. We went to the back room hoping to get away from everyone and the noice. well to our surprise a group of guys come in and they weren't too loud at first and then all of a sudden they get really loud and start playing music from their phones and just being really loud. I understand that its a restaurant and not the library but they had the option of picking any table in the entire restaurant and they picked the one RIGHT next to ours. So we just got up and went out into the main part and studied some more.

Well I am sure there were more people there but that is all I can remember. And yes I was trying to study during all of this. I think this might be why I did not make such a great grade on my test.. Hmmm something to think about ...